Delray Beach officers stand with their brothers and sisters in the Fire Department. City of Delray Beach Mayor Tom Carney, Commisioner Juli Casale, and Commissioner Tom Markert are beyond caring about public safety in the City of Delray Beach. The City’s cuts to the Fire Department’s contractually agreed staffing and failure to properly fund its Police Department are exactly how not to run a City and protect its residents. When seconds count, it’s reassuring to know your first responders might not be able to do their jobs due to staffing. Clearly, the residents’ safety is not on the City’s priority list. Never forget citizens of Delray Beach, YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS WORK FOR YOU!🐀A Modest Proposal for Reimagining Public Safety🐀

In light of Delray Beach’s ongoing budget dramatics and its loudly professed commitment to “high-level public safety,” we humbly offer a modest proposal to help City leadership achieve the impossible: gutting the fire department while insisting it’s never been stronger.

Let us not dwell on outdated concepts like response times or cardiac arrest survival. Those belong to a bygone era when public safety was judged by performance, not politics.

Instead, we offer the following strategic innovations each designed to cut costs, obscure truth, and, most importantly, blame the union.

1. Rebrand Staffing Cuts as “Operational Streamlining”:

Rescue units to two personnel is not a service cut. It is a bold reimagining of emergency response through the lens of creative under-resourcing. The public may mistake fewer paramedics for a downgrade, but that’s only because they’ve been conditioned to expect results and life saving intervention.

If anyone dares question the reduction, blame the union, first, for negotiating competitive wages and functional schedules like the 24/72, and then, for selfishly aligning with every neighboring department in the region. From there, simply cite a dramatic number, say, $22 million, as the annual cost of their lavish contract. Include base pay, turnout gear, health insurance, hydration, and of course, the pension; because nothing stirs outrage quite like implying someone might retire with dignity.

As a creative staffing supplement, we further recommend the recruitment of enthusiastic bystanders to assist Rescue crews as needed. Whether lifting patients, securing scenes, or performing CPR, untrained but well-meaning civilians can help fill the gap; after all, what could go wrong?

2. Embrace the Schrödinger Staffing Model:

Staffing cuts should both exist and not exist, depending on the audience. During bargaining, the plan is merely conceptual. During budget workshops, it’s urgent and unavoidable. When pressed for clarity, refer to it as a “dynamic service recalibration” and blame the union for being too rigid to understand nuance.

Think of it like Schrödinger’s cat except in this version, it’s not a cat. It’s 70,000 Delray Beach residents sealed inside a political box, left to wonder whether their local fire and EMS response is alive, dead, or merely “being evaluated”. Until the City opens the lid or sends a press release; it’s anyone’s guess.

3. Release Records Immediately-When It Hurts the Union:

In the spirit of selective transparency, the City should continue its current best practice; when a firefighter makes a mistake or the Union defends due process, public records are released with remarkable speed and surgical precision. However, when it comes to documents about staffing reductions, service impacts, or internal planning, a polite IOU will suffice. Consider making the standard delivery method: three redacted PDFs, a spreadsheet with no column headers, and a follow-up message stating, “We’re working on it”.

If asked why the timeline varies, blame the union for not being more patient while their members are publicly undermined.

4. Deploy Pre-Recorded Respect Statements:

In lieu of actual investment, Delray Beach should outfit each fire station with a wall-mounted screen playing looping messages from City leadership expressing their “deep respect” for firefighter-paramedics. These video tributes complete with piano music, stock footage of sunsets, and empty promises will serve as the emotional equivalent of hazard pay.

The goal isn’t to improve working conditions. It’s to create a calming audiovisual environment much like the final chamber in Soylent Green, where workers are eased into acceptance with soft lighting and pre-approved images of what once was.

In the absence of staffing, equipment, or functioning leadership, at least firefighters will be surrounded by a continuous stream of appreciation.

And if anyone finds this dystopian, blame the union for refusing to “embrace modern morale management”.

5. Reimagine Firefighter Discipline as Civic Entertainment Programming:

In the spirit of theatrical governance, firefighter discipline should be repackaged as a recurring civic spectacle equal parts kangaroo court and vintage cable access. Provide the Mayor a lectern, spotlight, and dramatic lighting cues to perform live readings of disciplinary memos at Commission meetings. Background music is recommended and should be ominous.

To truly honor the theatrical tradition, each reading should begin with the phrase: “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” a tribute, of course, to the Monty Python sketch in which overzealous inquisitors appear out of nowhere, armed with surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to spectacle. Matching robes are optional, but a rolling fog machine and synchronized gavel strikes are strongly encouraged. Consider assigning supporting roles to other commissioners to serve as inquisitors, delivering charges with theatrical gravitas and exaggerated concern.

If this is seen as hostile or humiliating, blame the union for not appreciating the City’s commitment to transparency.

6. Have Firefighters Pay to Operate the Department the Mayor No Longer Wants:

Now that the Mayor has made it clear he wants fewer firefighters, the logical next step is to make the remaining ones pay for the privilege of staying.

We humbly propose that moving forward, Delray Beach will no longer “staff fire stations” ; it will simply host them.

Under the City’s new cost-containment initiative, firefighters will now be expected to pay for the diesel fuel to run the trucks, cover the electric and water bills, and pay rent to occupy the very stations they’re assigned to.

Why? Because the Mayor never asked for all these stations he inherited them, like an unwanted timeshare with too many bathrooms and too much overhead. And since he can’t offload them, he can simply charge the firefighters who keep them open.

This way, the City can continue to appear fiscally responsible while quietly billing employees to keep the lights on. It’s a simple model: if you want a job in Delray Beach, bring your own budget. After all, if firefighters insist on remaining employed despite being politically inconvenient, the least they can do is stop being such a drain on the system.

Let no one forget: the real inefficiency isn’t policy failure or political vanity. It’s those obstinate union members always demanding luxuries like competitive wages, decent benefits, clean air, functioning equipment, rodent-free stations, and enough people to safely do the job. If only they’d lower their expectations and learn to thrive in substandard conditions, the City might finally afford what truly matters: decorative signage, PR consultants, pickle ball courts and yet another strategic plan, Vision 2035.

And if that vision’s a little blurry, don’t worry. Vision 2045 will fix everything. By then, the TIF district will finally sunset, and billions in taxable value will return to the general fund. With all that new revenue, the City will have every opportunity to fund essential services unless, of course, something shinier comes along. ... See MoreSee Less